Bidets are often the butt of the joke (a la Crocodile Dundee), but that allows us to skip over the opposite-of-dirty details when it comes to these glorious butt fountains. There shouldn’t be any smear fear, because we’re here to answer all of your burning booty questions.
“What is a bidet for?”
Let’s start with the bidet basics. Bidets are used to clean your butt with water after you poop. While traditional bidets are separate from your toilet, require extra plumbing and are super pooper expensive, modern bidets attach to any standard toilet in minutes. The cleansing spray from a bidet can also be used to clean your other nether regions — especially for postpartum women or for use after sex.
“Are there any health benefits of using a bidet?”
Unlike chocolate cake, irrigating your bottom makes you feel good *and* is good for you. Take gastroenterologist Partha Nandi’s word for it, quoted in VICE: “While the use of toilet paper does not ensure cleanliness in the restroom, bidets can prevent UTIs by offering a refreshing and sanitary way to remove bacteria and ensure the spread of bacteria does not occur.” The bacteria that would normally be stuck to your butt post-poop after wiping with paper could make make its way to your urethra, causing a urinary tract infection. Bidets also can prevent and alleviate hemorrhoids and yeast infections, which are common conditions in the United States, according to gastroenterologist Dr. John Cluley: “So, rather than smear [poop] all around, why not wash it gently with some water and then just dab it dry? I think it’s great for folks with hemorrhoids… And quite honestly it just helps you feel better.”
“Aren’t bidets only for women? Who uses a bidet?”
Contrary to poopular belief, bidets aren’t biassed towards any gender or genital-type. If you’re someone who wants your nether regions to be as clean as a whistle, then a bidet is for you. Washing with water prevents and alleviates bum stank and health complications that both men and women get, so naturally both men and women should use them. No defecation discrimination, here!
“How are you supposed to dry after using a bidet?”
If your booty is too busy to hang around for a few minutes to air dry, you can pat dry with a tiny bit of toilet paper (you’ll reduce your toilet paper usage, which will save £££ and 🌎) or a reusable towel if you’re an advanced pooper.
“Doesn’t using a bidet make you gay?”
Nothing makes you gay except being attracted to the same gender you identify with. While bidets are ~magical~ as the Aguamenti spell in Harry potter (that’s the water spell), they are not powerful enough to change your sexual identity.
“What is the difference between a bidet seat, bidet attachment and a bidet hose?”
Bidet seats replace your existing toilet set and include the bidet device. Bidet seats are typically more expensive than bidet attachments or bidet hoses, and require more installation steps and know-how. They also likely require electricity for use because many models have removable remotes (and you thought losing your TV remote was bad).
Bidet hoses are devices that look very… shall we say… industrial? Hose-type bidets are metal, and attach to your existing water supply like bidet attachments, often requiring you to manually hold the spray under your nether regions to clean. Other bidet hoses hook onto your toilet, and you use a lever to turn it on and move it manually.
“Won’t poop spray everywhere? Like, this doesn’t follow the front-to-back rule….”
Using Hygieya bidet seats isn’t messy like one of those water fountains children frolic in during the summer. It’s a precise, concentrated spray of water right on your butt (or wherever the nozzle angle is aimed!). Many women are apprehensive when adopting the bidet, because they are told to wipe from front-to-back when “cleaning” with paper. But, this is taught to avoid bacteria being spread to the urethra which causes UTIs. Washing with water prevents UTIs because it actually washes away the bacteria, rather than spreading it around. “Any trivial amount of bacteria the urethra is exposed to as a result of using a bidet is far outweighed by the improved hygiene you have by using the bidet in the first place,” says Dr. John Cluley